The Departmental Affair A Yes Minister fic
by ClaireRickman
Summary: A new "boy" starts work in the DAA. Life will never be the same for Jim, Sir Humphrey and perhaps most of all Bernard! (Complete!x)
1. The New Boy

I thought it was about time that there was a fic about the excellent UK comedy Yes Minister. So I took the task on myself and her is the first installment of what I'm planning on being quite a few!

I thought that it was time that Bernard got a good storyline. And perhaps some romance??? With the help (or should that be hinderance?) of the Minister and Sir Humphrey!

Disclaimer - I don't own any of the character's from "Yes Minister." Obviously I'm not old enough to!!!

The Departmental Affair

Sir Humphrey Appleby entered the office of the Minister of Administrative Affairs in the most jovial of moods. Not only had Cabinet approved plans for a multi-billion pound budget for the DAA for that year, he was about to take a new member to the Service under his wing. Not even the eminent meeting with Jim Hacker – the minister – could destroy his mood.

"Good morning Minister," he said with a grin as he sauntered up to Jim's desk.

"Ah Humphrey," replied Jim. "I trust the news of the approval of our new budget greets you well?"

"Indeed Minister, indeed," replied Humphrey. He looked around him.

"Bernard not here yet?" he enquired, knowing full well the answer.

"No," said Jim frowning slightly. "It's not like him to be late."

"Yes Minister," agreed Humphrey. "And today isn't a good day to be late is it Minister?"

Jim looked worried. What had he forgotten or not been informed of this time?

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

"I am of course referring to your new Private Secretary," said Humphrey smiling.

"But I already have a Private Secretary," said Jim, confused. "Bernard."

"Ah but our new boy is going to be Assistant Private Secretary," said Humphrey.

"Why on earth do I need an _assistant _Private Secretary," asked Jim. "Isn't Bernard up to the task?"

Humphrey's smile faded a little – he didn't approve of Minister's criticising his staff – that was after all, his job!

"Well Minister," said Humphrey. "As I'm sure you're aware, my depart... I mean our department has grown in considerable strength since you became Minister and we have many more responsibilities than with the previous government. You only have to think – parliamentary affairs, local government, Minister responsible for the Arts... the list goes on."

"Yes, yes I see that Humphrey, but why do we need to take on yet more staff?" asked Jim.

"Because Minister," said Humphrey, beginning to sound a little irritated. "We need more staff to fill the places created by new responsibilities. I should have thought that it was quite obvious."

"Yes, obvious," echoed Jim, though he didn't see why it was so.

"Anyway," continued Humphrey. "We have a new Assistant Private Secretary starting today and I have it on good authority from Arnold that he's a real high-flyer."

"High-flyer?" asked Jim.

Humphrey sighed. The Minister really was so dense at times. He allowed himself a private smile, no better make that at all times!

"A good Civil Servant," he explained. "Destined to go far, maybe even become a Permanent Secretary one day."

"Oh, someone like you, mean," said Jim grimly.

Humphrey gave him a reproachful look.

"What may I ask do you mean by that Minister?" he asked.

"Nothing Humphrey," replied Jim. "Nothing at all."

To be contined...

To Laura - you know my secret and share my love of this excellent programme!


	2. Interesting Introductions

Interesting Introductions

Humphrey was about to reply but at that moment Bernard arrived.

"Good morning Minister, Sir Humphrey," he said, nodding at both men in turn.

"Morning Bernard," said Jim. "Here in time to meet the new boy I see."

"New boy?" asked Bernard, looking from Jim to Humphrey.

"Yes Bernard," said Humphrey. "Your new colleague."

"Ah yes," said Bernard, as if suddenly remembering. "Oh by the way Sir Humphrey, there's a woman in the Private Office. She looks a bit upset about something. Says she's here to see you actually."

"Well no wonder she's upset," said Jim with a grin.

Humphrey glared at the Minister.

"I mean... er... um... of course..." Jim stuttered.

Fortunately Humphrey chose to ignore his comments and picked up the telephone. He pressed 1 and told the receiver of the call to send the woman in.

"Do you know who she is?" asked Bernard.

"Yes Humphrey," said Jim. "She could be _anybody_."

"Of course I know who it is," replied Humphrey with a smile.

The door to Jim's office opened. One of the Under Secretaries came in followed by a young woman. He smiled in Humphrey's direction then left.

Jim took a second to regard the woman. She looked in her mid twenties, expensively dressed in a pinstriped skirt suit with a white blouse. She had curly brown hair and wore round glasses with a gold frame. She looked like a Civil Servant Jim thought. He also noticed that she appeared to be crying.

Humphrey had crossed the room and was standing next to the woman.

"Why Hen," he said gently. "Whatever is the matter?"

The woman sniffed.

"I've just," she gulped. "I've just been talking to Sir... Sir Arnold."

"Ah," said Humphrey. "Come and sit down my dear."

He put a kindly arm on her shoulder and led her over to Jim's Conversation area. Jim and Bernard followed.

Humphrey motioned for the woman to sit and she did. Humphrey, Jim and Bernard sat down too. Humphrey took his handkerchief from his top pocket and offered it to her. She accepted it and took off her glasses and began to dab her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she began before bursting into a flood of tears.

Bernard, who was sitting next to her, was suddenly startled to find that she had thrown herself into his arms and was sobbing onto his shoulder. A look of panic spread accross his face and he looked desperately to Humphrey and Jim for help.

Humphrey got up from his chair and gently prised the crying woman off Bernard and knelt before her.

"It's alright my dear," he said softly. "You should really know by now that you should ignore Arnold."

Jim and Bernard looked at one another shocked. "_Ignore Arnold?!_" Now that was a new one!

The woman nodded and sniffed into Humphrey's handkerchief.

Humphrey turned to Bernard.

"Could you show Miss Fairfax where she can freshen up?" It wasn't a question.

Bernard got to his feet.

"Er, of course," he said. "Come right this way madam."

The woman too rose to her feet and followed Bernard out of Jim's office.

Jim, who until that point had been silent throughout the whole episode, decided to speak.

"Humphrey," he said looking at the door where Bernard and the crying woman had exited. "Would you care to explain exactly _what_ just happened there?"

"Well Minister," said Humphrey, turning to look at him. "I know that it's not the best way to meet your new Private Secretary but..."

"_That's_ my new Private Secretary?" asked Jim, shocked. "But didn't you say new 'boy' earlier?"

"Yes Minister," replied Humphrey. "But that was merely a Civil Service term and of course the influence of Miss Fairfax's father."

"Miss Fairfax?" asked Jim.

"Miss Henrietta Fairfax," said Humphrey. "Daughter of Sir Michael Fairfax, a former Permanent Secretary."

"Ah," said Jim beginning to understand. Then he thought of something Humphrey had said. "Her father's influence? What influence?"

"Henrietta is Sir Michael's only child and he rather thought of her as a son rather than a daughter," explained Humphrey. "He calls her Henry."

"I see," replied Jim, not really seeing at all.

"Why all the tears?" asked Jim.

Humphrey was about to answer when the door to the office opened once again and Bernard and Henrietta entered. They came up to Jim's desk and he noticed that Henrietta wore expensive perfume to match her expensive suit.

"Feeling better my dear?" asked Humphrey.

"Yes thank-you Uncle Humphrey," replied Henrietta with a smile.

"Uncle Humphrey?" asked Jim and Bernard with an air of shock in their voices. They looked from Humphrey to Henrietta and back to Humphrey again.

Humphrey merely smiled.

"If I could just introduce everyone," he said. "Hen, this is Mr Jim Hacker, the Minister for Administrative Affairs and your new master, I mean boss. And this is Bernard Woolley, the Minister's Private Secretary and will be your closest colleague."

He turned from Henrietta to Jim.

"Minister, may I introduce Miss Henrietta Fairfax, your Assistant Private Secretary and my Goddaughter."

"_Goddaughter?_" echoed Jim, still with and air of shock.

Henrietta held out her hand to Jim. He leaned over his desk and shook it courteously.

"Very pleased to meet you Mr Hacker," she said with a smile. "I'm very much looking forward to working with you. I've heard so much about the department from Uncle Humphrey."

"Very pleased to meet you Henrietta," said Jim, also smiling. "I may call you that?"

"Call me Hen," she replied. "Everyone else does. Except Daddy of course."

"Bernard will you take Hen to her desk and show her where she can find everything?" asked Humphrey.

Bernard looked as though he had been shaken out of a dream. He had been staring at Hen silently all through the introductions.

"Yes, yes of course," he replied, and once again showed Hen out of Jim's office.

"Godfather eh?" asked Jim as soon as the door had closed.

"Yes," replied Humphrey. "Sir Michael and I have been great friends for many years. It was an honour to be asked to be his daughter's Godfather."

"Hmm," said Jim. "You never got to answer my question."

"What question was that Minister?" asked Humphrey.

"Why all the tears," said Jim."

"As you will be aware Minister," said Humphrey. "All new Civil Servants must report to Sir Arnold before being posted to his or her department."

Jim wasn't aware of this but nodded anyway.

"Arnold has a reputation for being, well let's just say, a little on the heavy-handed side with new boys," continued Humphrey.

"Or girls," interrupted Jim.

"Quite," said Humphrey.

"But surely he can't be all that heavy-handed," asked Jim. "Not enough to reduce a new boy as you put it, to tears."

"In Hen's case Arnold may have been slightly more heavy-handed than usual," said Humphrey.

"Because she's a woman?" asked Jim. Memories of the Sarah Harrison fiasco sprang to his mind.

"No because Sir Michael chose me as Hen's Godfather over him," said Humphrey. "He's never quite gotten over it. He and Michael went back even further and Michael and I do."

"But that's no reason to take it out on poor Hen," said Jim. "I mean she didn't ask you to be her Godfather."

"I suggest you tell Sir Arnold that then Minister," said Humphrey.

Jim fell silent. Something like that would be akin to signing one's own death warrant. Or at least one's career death warrant.

To be contined...

For Laura (if she can stay awake long enough!)!x


	3. Another Baillie Chap almost

Another Baille Chap - almost

Bernard came back into the room with Jim's appointment diary. Jim and Humphrey were still seated at Jim's desk.

"If I may Minister," began Bernard. "We're running a little late this morning, so I do think we ought to be getting on with your appointments."

"Yes," replied Jim. "So what's it today then?"

Bernard opened the diary.

"Well Minister," he began. "10:30 meeting of the Local Authority Committee, 11:15 Art Galleries and Museums Committee, 12:00 BBC charter renewal meeting. 2:00 meeting with the press about the renewal...

"BBC charter renewal?" asked Jim, confused.

"Yes Minister," said Bernard. "As Minister responsible for the Arts, one of your duties is to discuss the renewal of the BBC's charter."

"Have I been briefed on it?" asked Jim."

Humphrey's eyes scanned the desk and then he picked up the relevant file.

"Here you are Minister," he said smiling. "But don't worry, I'll be at the meeting also and if you forget... I mean run into any difficulties I'll be there to bail you out... I mean give one or two subtle reminders."

Jim narrowed his eyes slightly in Humphrey's direction.

"Yes thank-you Humphrey," he said then turned his attention back to Bernard. "Anything else?"

"Yes Minister," said Bernard. "A meeting with the Town and Country Planning Association at 2:15, and meeting with Sir Adam Patterson from The Royal Opera House and you have a vote in the house at 5 o'clock."

"Sir Adam Patterson?" asked Jim.

"Yes, he's coming about the government grant made to Covent Garden," explained Bernard.

"But that's merely a formality," said Humphrey.

"What do you mean a formality?" asked Jim.

"Well Minister," Humphrey said. "The grant to Covent Garden was given last week, but it must look like one is 'discussing the possibilities of renewal' as it were."

He looked rather smug Jim thought.

"Already been paid?" asked Jim, furious. "Now look here Humphrey..."

He was cut off by a knock at the door. It opened and Henrietta entered.

"Sorry to trouble you Minister," she was saying. She looked up and saw Humphrey and Bernard also in the room.

"Oh sorry," she said. "Are you in the middle of something?"

"No, no my dear," said Humphrey. "We were just discussing the Minister's schedule."

"Oh good," said Henrietta. "We've just had a phone call Minister from Sir Adam from the Royal Opera House, he says he's very sorry but he can't make it to your meeting this afternoon. I rearranged it for Thursday at 2:30 is that alright?"

Bernard flipped the pages of the diary to Thursday then nodded.

"Good," replied Henrietta. "Oh Minister, if I'm not being too bold, may I sit in on some of your meetings today? I'd really like to have the opportunity to erm..."

"Practice your shorthand?" suggested Humphrey. "And drawing up minutes?"

Henrietta looked at him with her warm smile on her face.

"Yes," she said, turning to look at Jim. "To gain experience in drawing up minutes."

"Well I don't see any problem," said Jim smiling at her. "Humphrey?"

"I think it's a splendid idea," said Humphrey, also smiling. "I shall look forward to seeing you in the meetings my dear."

"Excellent," said Jim. He turned to Bernard. "Bernard."

"Er well um... yes... well of course... if that's what the Minister wants... how can I..." he stuttered.

"Oh Bernard," said Henrietta. "You'll be at the meetings too of course. I merely want to sit in to get the feel for Ministerial meetings. I'm not trying to edge you out of you job as Principle Private Secretary!"

Bernard's mind was put instantly at ease.

"Well of course I didn't think..." he began. Jim noticed he was blushing slightly.

Henrietta giggled.

"Well I'll leave you boys to it," she said. "I'll see you later."

After she had left the room, Humphrey turned to Jim.

"What do you think of your new Private Secretary?" he asked.

"Perfect," said Jim. "I think she'll be an asset to the DAA."

"I couldn't agree more," said Humphrey. "What do you think Bernard?"

"Oh er I think she's um perfect too," he replied.

"Good, good," said Humphrey. "Sir Michael will be most pleased."

The rest of the day passed without any real incident. Henrietta sat in on several of the meetings and both she and Bernard took notes.

"We can compare them later," she had said to him before the first meeting.

Jim returned from the House at five-thirty, Humphrey, Bernard and Henrietta were all in his office.

Jim went to the drinks cabinet and poured three glasses of sherry. He paused before pouring a fourth.

"Sherry Hen?" she asked.

"Oh thank-you Minister," she said warmly.

Jim poured the fourth glass and handed it to her. He gave Humphrey and Bernard a glass and motioned for them to sit down before taking his own glass and sitting down himself.

"Cheers," he said raising his glass in the direction of his officials. "Had a good first day Hen?"

"Oh yes Minister," she said. "But really it's just how I'd imagined it would be."

"Oh really?" asked Jim.

"Oh yes," Hen replied. "I suppose growing up with my father in the Service and Uncle Humphrey of course,"

"Teach her everything she knows eh Humphrey?" asked Jim.

"Well it is a Godfather's duty to teach his Godchild all he knows," said Humphrey with a smile.

"Oh incidentally Minister," said Hen, taking a sip of her drink. "I was going through some files brought over from the Home Office. It seems they want to start that Propanol/metadioxin thing again."

"What?" asked Jim. "But I thought we'd got that all cleared up last year."

"Yes," replied Hen. "According to the files so did the Home Office, but the BCC want to give it another go. In Scotland this time apparently."

"Oh God," moaned Jim. "I can't believe we have to go through that again. Do you know anything about Propanol Hen?"

"How do you mean Minister?" asked Hen.

"I think what the Minister means Hen, is do you know anything about chemistry?" explained Humphrey.

"Chemistry?" asked Hen. "I've not studied Chemistry since oh... year nine?"

"You mean you actually studied it?" asked Humphrey, apparently amazed.

"Well I say studied," said Hen and laughed. Humphrey and Bernard laughed too.

"Of course," said Humphrey.

"Well as you know Chemistry would do me no good whatsoever in getting into Ox... university," said Hen.

"What did you study?" asked Jim.

"History, English Lit and Classic," said Hen. "At Oxford, same as Daddy and Uncle Humphrey actually."

"Ah I see," said Jim. "You didn't happen to go to Baillie College did you?"

Hen looked at Humphrey who was staring at the door and then to Bernard who was looking in her direction rather oddly. She turned back to Jim and smiled cautiously.

"Yes Minister," she said and finished her drink.

* * *

To be continued...

(In the next chapter a romance of sorts begins. But it is quickly ended!)

To Laura - even though she's not had the chance to read it yet!


	4. The Private Secretary's Stockings

Apologies for the length of time it took for me to update this!x I've got lots written just no yime to write it up on the computer! Maybe Laura and I should spend less time talking about this fic and me spending more time writing it!

Anyway, this chapter isn't quite as far on as I thought it would be but never mind!

And just for the record I don't own any of this stuff etc it belongs to the wonderful Anthony Jay and Jonothan Lynn!x

Enjoy!

* * *

It was almost lunchtime on Hen's second day at the DAA when she happened to glance down at her stockings.

"Oh no!" she exclaimed. "Oh God no! Disaster!"

Bernard looked up at her.

"Whatever's the matter?" he asked sounding concerned.

Hen got up from her desk and pointed at her stockings.

"Look," she said. "Laddered, I can't believe it."

"Oh," said Bernard. "Surely it can't be that much of a disaster?"

Hen gave him a withering glance.

"Of course it's a disaster," she replied. "I don't have a spare pair, I can't go out and get a new pair because I have so many reports to get through and I can't get the train home with laddered stockings."

"Why not?" asked Bernard, confused.

"Really Bernard," said Hen with air of despair. "One doesn't want to get a reputation for having laddered stockings. It doesn't bode at all well."

"But why not?" asked Bernard now totally confused.

"It just doesn't," said Hen. "Good God, I can just see the look on Daddy and Sir Humphrey's faces if I end up with a reputation for having laddered stockings."

Hen sat back down again and looked at Bernard thoughtfully.

"Bernard," she said carefully. "You wouldn't happen to be going out at lunchtime would you?"

"Well um... yes as it happens... yes I am," replied Bernard. "Why?"

"You wouldn't like to do me a huge favour and become my best friend for life?" she asked.

"And do what?" asked Bernard.

"Nip into Selfridges and get me some stockings?" she said with a pleading look on her face.

"Well," said Bernard uneasily. "I don't think... I mean... I'm not sure..."

"I'll type up some of your reports for you," said Hen.

"Well," said Bernard again.

He looked at Hen. She is so frightfully pretty he thought. And she is Sir Humphrey Appleby's Goddaughter.

"Yes," he said eventually.

Hen leapt out of her seat and went over to Bernard and kissed him on the cheek. He flushed bright red.

"You're an absolute sweetheart Bernard," said Hen.

She went back to her desk and took a pen and a piece of paper and scribbled something down. Then she picked her handbag and opened it and took out her purse. Bernard got up from his desk and put on his coat. Hen handed him the note and some money.

"Just hand the girl at the hosiery counter that note," said Hen. "It's easier than trying to explain complex nature of stockings to a man!"

Bernard smiled.

"Now what do you want me to type up for you?" asked Hen.

"Oh no, it's quite alright," said Bernard. "Honestly."

"Nonsense," said Hen. "I'll take a look round your desk and do what I can."

"Right, well, thank you," said Bernard. "I'll see you later."

"Yes," replied Hen with a smile. She watched Bernard leave with a rather dreamy look on her face.

* * *

Jim came out of his office into the Private Office. He saw Hen sitting at her desk chewing on the end of her pen and staring at nothing in particular on the back wall. 

"Hello Hen," he said. "Not gone to lunch?"

Hen was jerked out of her trance.

"Oh er no," she said looking up at him. "I want to get some of these reports typed up."

"I must say it makes a difference having a Private Secretary who can actually type!" said Jim.

Hen smiled.

"Uncle Humphrey seemed rather upset when I told him I could do all my own typing," she said.

"Hmm, probably thinks it's beneath you," said Jim.

Hen didn't reply but merely looked thoughtful.

"Bernard gone out?" asked Jim.

"Yes Minister," replied Hen. "He's gone to Self... to get lunch."

"He's gone where?" asked Jim who had noticed her slip of the tongue.

Hen bit her lower lip.

"He's gone to um Selfridges." she said. "On a sort of errand."

"For whom?" Jim enquired.

"Well," said Hen nervously. "For me actually. I asked him to get a pair of stockings. Mines have laddered."

She looked away from Jim, blushing slightly.

"Well well you have made an impact," said Jim. "Private Secretary only been here for a day and she had the Principle Private Secretary running errands for her."

"I wouldn't normally ask," said Hen getting defensive.

Jim just smiled.

* * *

After lunch Humphrey came into the private office. Hen was alone at her desk typing quickly on the typewriter in front of her. 

"Good afternoon my dear," said Humphrey.

"Hello Uncle Humphrey," said Hen without looking up from her typing.

"Bernard with the Minister already?" asked Humphrey, looking around.

Hen looked up at him and took off her glasses.

"He's not back from lunch yet," she said.

"What on earth is he doing?" asked Humphrey.

Hen began to clean the lenses of her glasses with a tissue.

"Can't imagine," she said.

Humphrey sighed angrily.

"Do you want to sit in on this then?" he asked.

"Too much to do I'm afraid," replied Hen nodding to all the papers on her desk. "Bernard won't be long. The Minister is alone, why don't you go in and wait?"

"The Permanent Secretary wait for the Private Secretary?" asked Humphrey indignantly.

"It won't kill you," said Hen, putting her glasses back on.

Humphrey gave her a steely glare but Hen simply shrugged her shoulders.

"Oh very well," said Humphrey, knowing he'd never win an argument with her. "You'd best tell the Minister I'm here."

"Of course," said Hen getting up from her desk.

She walked across the room and knocked on the door to Jim's office. She opened it and stepped in.

"Sir Humphrey to see you Minister," said Hen.

"Oh good," said Jim. "I thought Bernard was taking minutes for this one?"

"He is," replied Hen. "I'm sure he won't be long."

She stepped aside in order to let Humphrey enter. She smiled at Jim, then Humphrey and left, closing the door behind her.

* * *

"Where is Bernard?" asked Humphrey. 

Jim smiled.

"He mustn't be back from Selfridges yet," he said.

"Selfridges?" asked Humphrey, confused.

"Yes," said Jim with a laugh. "Getting stockings. For your Goddaughter no less!"

"Stockings?" asked Humphrey in further confusion. "For Hen?"

"Yes," said Jim. "Hers are laddered apparently."

Still in a state of confusion, Humphrey sat down.

* * *

Bernard rushed into the Private Office. He quickly shrugged off his coat. He handed Hen a yellow Selfridges bag then a handful of change from his trouser pocket. He grabbed a notebook from his desk and rushed into Jim's office, leaving Hen with a bemused look on her face, holding the bag. 

The incident passed without a word from either of them.

* * *

Thank you thank you thank you to my reviewers (yes including you Laura) I honestly didn't think anyone would read this (apart from Laura) so I was all happy when I read your reviews so this is for you!x

It is also for the long-suffering Laura who has to put up with me going on about both the series and my story endlessly and for helping me up with future storylines. You're the best and I luv ya loads!x

Claire!x


	5. Revelations and Reactions

Just like buses... you wait for one chapter of a fic to come along and you get two! :)

Enjoy!x

* * *

"Minister, Sir Humphrey," said Bernard breathlessly as he rushed into the office. "Apologies for my lateness."

"Ah Bernard," said Jim with a smile. "Find your way around Selfridges alright?"

Bernard's eyes widened.

"I'm... I'm sorry?" he stuttered.

"Don't worry Bernard!" said Jim brightly. "Hen told us all about it. Got you running after her already has she?"

He burst into a fir of laughter.

Humphrey coughed.

"May I ask what your intentions with regards to Miss Fairfax are?" he asked.

Bernard's eyes widened further.

"I don't know what you..." he began.

"He means Bernard," said Jim, recovering from his laugher fit. "Do you fancy her?"

Bernard's face turned scarlet. Humphrey's eyes narrowed angrily.

"Don't answer that Bernard," he said. "We don't want to know your sordid thoughts."

"Oh but we do," said Jim.

"We don't," snapped Humphrey.

Jim turned to Bernard.

"Bernard?" he asked.

Bernard looked at his feet. For once he didn't know how to answer without saying a committed yes or no.

"Well I, that is being me, myself, must admit to having certain thoughts, feelings, towards the subject in question. The subject being of course a fellow colleague with whom I must carry out my administrative duty, but must admit to feeling more than just colleagues' comradeship," he said.

"You DO fancy her!" said Jim grinning widely.

Humphrey was on his feet. His face was red too, but out of anger rather than embarrassment. He took a deep breath to calm himself.

"Well do you?" he asked Bernard.

Bernard, still looking at his feet swallowed.

"Yes," he whispered.

"Oh. My. God," said Humphrey in disbelief as he sat down again. He did so before he fell down.

Jim was almost falling off his seat with laughter.

"Oh God," he breathed through his laughter. "Oh God... He's... he's under the thumb already!"

He pulled out his handkerchief from his top pocket and buried his face into it, shaking with laughter.

"I don't think this is very funny Minister," shouted Humphrey.

"Oh come now Humphrey," said Jim. "She is after all a very beautiful woman. You should know that Humphrey."

"Yes well of c..." Humphrey started. "I hardly think that is here nor there Minister."

"Anyway Bernard," said Jim. "You never know, our dear Hen may be secretly in love with you!"

"I hardly think so Minister," said Humphrey.

"Oh what would you know?" asked Jim. "I hardly think she'd discuss prospective boyfriends with you."

"He's not her type," Humphrey almost spat out the words.

"What do you mean type?" asked Jim.

"He means NQOCD," said Bernard softly, continuing to find his shoes or the carpet fascinating.

"Eh?" asked Jim, confused.

"Not Quite Our Class Dear," whispered Bernard.

"Oh come now Bernard," said Jim. "You were both at Oxford. And Hen doesn't seem the type to bother about that sort of thing anyway."

"It's not Hen I'm talking about," said Bernard sadly. His eyes flickered in Humphrey's direction for a second.

"How dare you accuse me..." began Humphrey, rising from his seat again, pointing an accusing finger at Bernard.

"Well its true isn't it," said Bernard, his normally calm, patient nature snapping. He moved forwards a little in Humphrey's direction.

Jim sensed trouble starting and he too got up from his desk. He walked over to stand in between his warring Civil Servants – the peaceful mediator. He held up his hands in both men's directions.

"Now come on gentlemen," he said calmly. "This is all getting a bit much is it not?"

Humphrey and Bernard glaring at each other angrily didn't answer.

* * *

Again this little chapter is for my reviewers and the lovely Laura (who incidently is going to be 21 on Monday so I better get off my lazy ass and go out and buy her a present!)

Luv Claire!x


	6. The Frigging Home Office

Hello people!x

Thanks for bearing with me for so long. I've finished all my exams and stuff for this year so I'll be able to get more chapters done!x Anyway - enjoy!x

* * *

There was a knock at the door. It opened and Hen came in with her usual smile. She was a little taken aback at the sight of Jim standing in between Humphrey and Bernard, but she chose to ignore it.

"Hello boys," she said brightly. "Having fun I hope!"

She didn't get an answer from any of them.

"Well," she continued. "I hate to break up the party atmosphere in here, but I've just had a call from the Home Office and then these arrived."

She held up a pile of papers.

"And let's just say they're not best pleased."

"What about?" asked Jim.

"This bloody BCC thing," said Hen. "I've had Richard-sodding-Mathieson chewing my ear off for the last fifteen minutes."

Humphrey, who had relaxed a little, turned to her.

"Oh," he said. "What was he saying?"

"Hmm, let's see if I can remember," said Hen. "Oh yes; 'I've got this frigging chemical thing hanging over on my frigging shoulders and it's not even my frigging department's frigging problem. Your frigging department better get its frigging act together frigging sharpish and sort out this frigging mess or the whole frigging problem and the blame for it will be shoved at my frigging door.'"

Jim's eyes widened.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"I thanked him for the frigging phone call and asked him if he would be kind enough to leave my frigging department to get on with it and would he frig off and do some work of his own," said Hen. "Oh yes, and I told him to mind his frigging language and put the phone down."

This answer got some smiles from the men in the room.

"So what do we do about this frigging problem?" asked Jim.

"Well I've come up with one or two ideas," said Hen, taking a file from under her pile of the Home Office telegrams. "But there's a slight problem. We don't have a lot of time to get this sorted and this is going to take forever."

"What do you suggest?" asked Jim.

"Well only that we stay here basically all night for the next couple of days," said Hen.

"Oh God," said Jim, screwing up his face. "And there's really no other way?"

Hen shook her head.

"Afraid not," she said apologetically.

"Oh well," said Jim. "What must be done must be done I suppose. Who's going to stay then?"

He looked to Humphrey.

Humphrey put on his best apologetic tone and tried to look sad.

"Well Minister of course I'd…" he began.

"But you can't" finished Jim. "Fine. Bernard?"

"I would of course, but I can't actually this week Minister," he replied.

"I'll do it," said Hen.

"Will you?" asked Jim.

"I don't mind," she said. "And it's not like I have anything better to do."

Jim could have sworn that her eyes flickered in Bernard's direction.

"Well if you're sure?" he asked.

"Absolutely," she said brightly. "Looking forward to it actually."

"Hen," said Humphrey, looking at his Goddaughter carefully. "If you are going to volunteer for this, where are you going to stay?"

"At the flat," said Hen.

"Humphrey looked confused.

"You know," said Hen. "The one Daddy bought near Knightsbridge for when he was working in London. He said I could have it if I ended up working late… or something."

Again Jim could have sworn that Hen glanced in Bernard's direction.

"Oh that flat," said Humphrey. "But do you want to be getting across London at Lord knows what time of night alone? Anything could happen."

"Oh Humphrey," said Jim, getting into the conversation. "You don't think I would let the lady wander around London on her own? I can sort her out with a car or at the very least a taxi."

Humphrey still didn't look convinced.

"Uncle Humphrey," said Hen gently. "I'm a big girl now. You don't have to worry about me anymore."

"I'll always worry about you my dear," said Humphrey. "No matter how old you are."

"Yes," agreed Jim. "I'm forever worrying about my Lucy, however much she tells me not to."

Hen smiled.

"You know I'll always be grateful that that you're thinking of me Uncle Humphrey," she said. "But please, don't go too far. You've got to have some faith in me."

"I do have faith in you my dear," said Humphrey. "And a lot of it. That's why in your first week of employment in the Civil Service, you are going to be the soul administrator responsible for working to solve a problem with the British Chemical Corporation."

Hen smiled and walked over to Humphrey and gave him a hug.

"You know Uncle Humphrey," she said. "I've always said you were wonderful!"

* * *

For my reviewers who I thank most heartily :) And for Laura who is probably glad that she's not seen me for a while so she hasn't had to listen to me witter on about Yes Minister endlessly!x

Luv Claire!x


	7. Letting it Slip

Hey people!x

Yes you're not dreaming - its a new chapter within a week of the last one!

* * *

After three fruitless days of trying to come up with a solution to the Propanol problem, Hen was bordering on desperate to find a breakthrough. She was determined to prove herself not only to Humphrey, but Jim too. She wanted to show them that she was the best person to have in a Minister's team of close Civil Servants.

On the fourth evening, Hen found herself once again in the company Jim and about twenty or so large, heavy folders. She took a deep breath coughed nervously.

"Erm Minister," she began cautiously. "I believe I may have a solution to our problem."

Jim looked delighted.

"Really?" he asked, sounding pleased. "Oh my dear girl, I'm so glad – I'm sure my wife is forgetting what I look like as we've been working so late for so long."

Hen smiled.

"What's the great plan then?" asked Jim, looking at Hen intently.

"Well it may involve one or two um… economies with the truth," she said looking nervous.

"You mean lies?" asked Jim.

A pained look crossed Hen's face.

"Oh no Minister," she said earnestly. "'Lies' is such a crude generalisation."

"Hmm," said Jim. "You sound exactly like Sir Humphrey."

Hen smiled again.

"Funny that," she said then laughed.

Jim smile too.

"So what's the great plan then?" he asked again.

"Well I didn't strictly come up with it," said Hen as she took a rather large file out of a sleek black briefcase. It was similar to one Humphrey used.

"Nice briefcase," Jim commentated as Hen passed him the file.

"Oh thank-you Minister," replied Hen. "It was Daddy's actually. Uncle Humphrey has one like it."

Jim opened the file.

"So if you didn't come up with it who did?" he asked.

Hen looked rather in embarrassed.

"Well it's not something I'd usually do," she began. "But… well the thing is Minister, neither of us are Chemistry students and it would have taken us months to figure this problem out, so I called on an old friend from university."

"Oh?" asked Jim. "Who is this 'old friend'?"

"His name is Daniel Hawthorne, we were at Oxford together – he's a chemistry PhD, awfully clever at this sort of thing," said Hen. "He was more than happy to help – we were good friends."

"Oh splendid," said Jim. "So what do you, or rather Dr Hawthorne suggest to get us out of this mess."

"Well," said Hen, taking another file out of her briefcase. She opened it and took out the first page. "What we do is call the chemical a completely different name – Dan's got a few suggestions – and then get some chemists in to see whether or not it's vital to have such a large quantity of dioxin or even meta-dioxin in it."

"Hm," said Jim. "Won't that be expensive?"

"Oh not really," said Hen. "Dan said to let him know what you, the Home Office and BCC think and he will call some friends from Edinburgh University and get them to do it for much less than usual."

"And he'll do that for you?" asked Jim.

"Oh yes," said Hen. "He owes me one actually."

"Yes?" asked Jim. "How's that then?"

Hen smiled.

"I got him a place on the cricket team in our second year," she explained.

"How did you manage that?" asked Jim.

"Oh I broke the captain's fingers by shutting them in the door of the pavilion the night before a match," said Hen.

Jim looked at her with a mixture of horror and awe.

"So you and er… this Daniel," he began. "Were you… and him… at university?"

"Were we what at university?" asked Hen.

"Oh you know… did you… were you… when you were…" Jim stuttered on.

Hen decided to put him out of his misery.

"You mean lovers?" she asked.

Jim nodded.

"Oh Lord no," she said with a laugh. "Never – we were just friends."

"Want about now?" asked Jim.

"No," said Hen, shaking her head. "I've known him too long. Besides nowadays I'm far more interested in Bernard."

Hen stopped quickly and clapped her hand to her mouth.

"Oh damn," she whispered.

"Bernard," asked Jim. "Surely you don't mean…"

How stopped and pointed to the door which connected his office to the Private Office.

"Bernard?"

Hen's face flushed scarlet. She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yes Minister," she whispered.

Jim laughed loudly.

"Oh please Minister," said Hen. "You won't say anything will you?"

"It'll be very hard," said Jim, still laughing.

"Minister you can't," said Jim. "We all have to work together."

"Yes," said Jim as he stopped laughing. "I suppose there is that."

"You won't say anything then?" asked Hen.

"Oh I suppose not," said Jim. "Anyway, we should really be getting home."

"Yes," said Hen. "It'll be nice to finish early for a change."

* * *

For my reviewers and for Laura - yes you've read this bit too... :)


	8. Stupid Mistakes and Stupid Misunderstand...

Jim's ministerial car was nearing Hen's flat in Knightsbridge. Jim turned to Hen and smiled.

"So," he said, grinning broadly. "Bernard Woolley, the object of your affections eh?"

Hen pursed her lips and turned her head away slightly.

"I knew you wouldn't let this drop," she said, looking out of the window at Harrods' lights.

"Well I have to admit it is a bit odd," said Jim. "I mean you are… well… and he is… well he's…"

"Oh for goodness sake Minister," said Hen turning back to look at him. "Don't tell me you believe in all that NQOCD rubbish? You're worse than Uncle Humphrey."

Jim, as a good politician always does, jumped on the defensive immediately.

"No, no course not," he said. "I hadn't even heard of this NQOCD until Bernard brought it up on Tuesday."

"Why were you talking about that with Bernard?" asked Hen, confused. "Oh God, Uncle Humphrey wasn't there was he?"

"Yes he was," said Jim.

"Oh Lord. He hasn't got a girlfriend has he?" asked Hen looking worried.

"Humphrey?" asked Jim with surprise.

Hen's look of worry turned to a smile.

"Bernard," she said.

"Oh," said Jim, realising. "No."

Hen looked intrigued.

"Really?" she asked.

Jim tried to look impassive.

"Not that I'm aware of anyway," he said.

"Hmm," said Hen with a thoughtful smile on her face.

The car drew up outside the building where Hen's flat was. Hen turned to Jim.

"Thank you for the lift home Minister," she said. "I think we've had rather an interesting night."

"Oh absolutely," replied Jim. "I'm looking forward to putting your paper to the Home Office."

"Oh yes," said Hen. "Might shut Richard Mathieson up for a while."

Hen gathered her things together and was about to get out of the car. She turned once again to Jim.

"Well goodnight Minister," she said, before leaning in to kiss his cheek.

However, just at that second, Jim turned his head slightly and Hen's lips met his. Both were frozen in shock for several seconds before pulling away from one another simultaneously.

"Oh my God, I'm sorry Minister," gasped Hen, who was deeply embarrassed.

"No, no," said Jim softly. "It was my fault."

"Oh God," went on Hen. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never meant to… oh God. I am so sorry Minister."

"No my dear," said Jim. "I was a stupid mistake. We'll say nothing more about it eh?"

Hen swallowed and nodded.

"Thank you Minister," she said softly and quickly got out of the car.

Fifteen minutes later, Jim arrived back at his flat. Annie was listening to "Today in Parliament" on Radio4.

"Hello darling," said Jim brightly as he entered the sitting room.

"Finally decided to come home have you?" asked Annie coldly.

"Whatever do you mean Annie?" asked Jim.

"Been with your secretary have you?" asked Annie, ignoring the question.

"My Private Secretary yes," replied Jim.

"Well she's made her move quickly enough," said Annie. "Only been there five days."

"Annie," said Jim, totally confused. ""Would you like to explain to me just what you're talking about."

Annie stood up and faced her husband.

"Her," she shouted. "Your new Private Secretary. You've been with her nearly every night this week. I know, I've heard – she's young, beautiful, intelligent. You're having an affair."

Jim stared at Annie before bursting into a fit of laugher.

"Oh Annie," he said, taking a deep breath to calm himself. "Oh Annie you _are_ so funny."

Annie looked furious.

"I don't see anything funny about it," she snapped.

"Me?" asked Jim, still laughing. "Having an affair? With Henrietta Fairfax? Absolutely ridiculous."

"You're denying it then?" asked Annie.

"Of course I'm denying it," said Jim. "Seeing as its not true. Oh Annie."

He sat down on the sofa and took Annie's hand and pulled her onto the sofa next to him.

"Three reasons why I'd never have an affair – especially not with Hen Fairfax," he said. "One – I'm married to you. I love you, I don't need anyone else. And besides, who else would put up with me? Besides you?"

This last remark made Annie smile a little.

"Two – Henrietta Fairfax is the Goddaughter of Sir Humphrey Appleby," continued Jim. "If you hadn't already killed me, then Humphrey would certainly not think twice."

Annie sighed.

"True," she agreed. "What about the third reason?"

Jim smiled.

"She's already in love with someone else," he said.

Annie looked interested.

"Oh," she said. "With who? Anyone we know?"

"Bernard," said Jim with a smile.

"Bernard?" asked Annie in amazement. "As in Woolley? As in your Bernard?"

Jim nodded.

"Mm," he said.

"Well," said Annie softly.

"Interesting thing is," said Jim. "He's completely in love with her too."

Annie's eyes widened.

"And they don't know?" she asked.

"Not a clue," said Jim.

"Does Humphrey know?" asked Annie.

"He knows Bernard is in love with Hen," replied Jim. "Didn't take it too well actually."

"I bet he didn't," said Annie smiling. "I'm sorry I ever thought you'd have an affair darling. Besides you're right – who else but me would put up with you?"

Jim smiled and kissed his wife.


	9. Getting Together

Well here it is - the final chapter of "The Departmental Affair" Hope you like it and stay tuned for future stories!x

* * *

Hen was already at her desk when Jim arrived on Monday morning.

"Good morning Hen," he said cheerfully. "Looking forwards to our showdown with the Home Office."

Hen barely smiled.

"Erm Minister…" she began nervously. "Look, about that um thing in the car… on Friday."

Jim put on a look of confusion.

"What thing?" he asked, then smiled. "Nothing happened did it?"

"Thank you Minister," said Hen and smiled gratefully.

"Now about that other… thing," said Jim.

"What other thing?" asked Hen, a little nervously.

"Bernard," mouthed Jim as he looked around him incase anyone – especially Bernard himself came in.

"Oh God," sighed Hen. "Me and my big mouth. Why on earth did I have to let that slip?"

"Oh I won't say anything to him," said Jim.

"Please don't Minister," said Hen as she threaded a sheet of paper into her typewriter. "I could just imagine the atmosphere in here."

"Hmm, so can I," said Jim, thinking of how life in the Private Office would be when Hen and Bernard realised that they were both in love with each other.

The door to the Private Office opened and in came Bernard.

"Good morning Minister, Hen," he said, smiling at each of them in turn.

"Morning Bernard," replied Jim and Hen in unison.

"What time is Humphrey coming?" asked Jim. "We have to discuss Hen's Propanol paper before our meeting with the Home Office."

Bernard took the diary from his desk and flipped it open to that day's events.

"Half past one Minister," said Bernard. "After your questions session in the House."

"Excellent," said Jim. He looked between Bernard and Hen and smiled. "Right well, I'll leave you two to it."

Jim went into his own office leaving Bernard and Hen alone in the Private Office. They looked at one another awkwardly.

"Did you have a nice weekend?" asked Hen after a few moments silence.

"Oh yes," Bernard replied. "Very good. What about yourself?"

"Yes, went back home to Haslemere on Saturday," replied Hen.

There was more strained silence in the office, broken only by Hen's typing.

"Well I'd better get the Minister's papers ready for his question time," said Bernard.

Hen stopped typing and looked up at him.

"Oh yes," she said. "Anything about the Propanol thing coming up?"

"Oh yes," said Bernard looking through a list of written questions. "Several questions actually."

"Official brush off then?" asked Hen. "'We must wait until after the meeting with the British Chemical Corporation which will take place later in the week'?"

Bernard nodded.

"Well," he said. "I'd better go and get him ready."

"Good luck," said Hen with a smile.

"Thank you," said Bernard. "I'll see you later for the Home Office meeting."

"Yes," said Hen. "Looking forward to it."

She watched as Bernard went into Jim's office. She then hit her forehead on the palm of her hand.

"Oh for God's sake Fairfax," she reprimanded herself sharply. "Get it together."

Bernard had decided to go on ahead of Jim to the House of Commons, leaving Jim, rather unusually, to go with Humphrey.

"Incidentally Humphrey," said Jim. "I had a rather interesting conversation with your Goddaughter on Friday evening."

"Oh really Minister?" replied Humphrey, not sounding all that interested. And what, if I may be so bold as to enquire, was discussed?"

"Oh I found out some very interesting information," said Jim. "Very interesting actually."

"And what was so interesting?" asked Humphrey sounding slightly more interested now.

Jim smiled. He felt a little guilty about betraying Hen's confidence, but realised he could have too much fun with it.

"She's in love with him," he said.

"What?" asked Humphrey, confused. "With who?"

"A certain Principal Private Sec who happens to be in love with her," said Jim with a mischievous grin.

Humphrey's face turned several shades of pale.

"If this is a joke, the one fails to find any trace of amusement at all," he said, staring hard at Jim.

"Oh no joke Humphrey," said Jim brightly. "She didn't tell me intentionally of course, but it turns out that Hen does indeed possess a liking for Bernard as he does for her."

Humphrey's face turned even paler if that was possible.

"Wouldn't it be nice though Humphrey," said Jim. "If they were to start… courting."

Humphrey looked as though he was going to have a heart attack.

"Over my dead body," he snapped. "This must be stopped."

"It hasn't even started yet," pointed out Jim.

"Exactly," said Humphrey. "It must be stopped before anything gets the chance to start. He's got to go."

"You mean Bernard?" asked Jim.

"Yes of course I mean Bernard," snapped Humphrey.

"Don't you think you're over-reacting a little?" asked Jim.

Humphrey didn't reply, but a look of absolute horror remained on his face.

"I don't see what is so bad about it," said Jim. "You're always saying that Bernard is a high flyer and Hen is too so they'll both go far. And they're both very intelligent and they seem to get on very well together."

Again Humphrey remained silent.

"And besides," went on Jim. "If they do start courting, then as Bernard works in you department, you will be able to keep an eye on the… the situation."

Humphrey pondered this idea for a moment. His look of horror left his face slightly.

"That's a thought," he said softly. "Not that there will ever be a relationship. But yes, it's a thought."

That afternoon Hen finished typing up the agenda and an overview of Dr Hawthorne's plans in multiple copies for the impending meeting with the Home Office. She went into Jim's office to put out the papers on the large table in front of the window where the meeting would take place. As she opened the door she was surprised to find Bernard already there.

"Oh," she said in surprise. "Hello. I didn't expect to see you here yet."

"Yes, I came back from the House early in order to prepare for the Home Office meeting," replied Bernard.

"Right," said Hen. "I've just finished the agenda and an overview of Dan's plans."

"Dan?" asked Bernard.

"Dr Daniel Hawthorne," explained Hen. "He helped me come up with a solution to this stupid Propanol problem. We'd still be at it if I hadn't got in touch with him."

"Oh," said Bernard. "Is Dr Hawthorne a… a good friend of yours?"

"No," replied Hen, seeming oblivious to the real meaning of Bernard's question. "Well not so much now. We were at university together. Although he was in the science lot we knew each other quite well, he lived on the same floor as me for a while – we shared a kitchen."

"Oh I see," said Bernard, clearly relieved. "Good."

Hen stepped forwards closer to the table just as Bernard stepped forwards away from it. They bumped into one another and then stood in very close proximity to each other.

"Um so do you think that the um the meeting will go well?" asked Hen.

"Let's hope so," replied Bernard. "Um so you and erm, you and Dr Hawthorne aren't… you're not…"

"No," replied Hen shaking her head.

"So you're not… you're single then?" he asked.

"Yes," replied Hen. "And… and you?"

"Yes," said Bernard. "Me too."

Hen nodded. She looked at him for a moment.

"Good," she whispered softly.

Without realising it, they had moved even closer together. They stood looking intently at each other before Hen moved her head in closer to Bernard's. At the same second Bernard moved his head closer to hers. After a few tense second, their lips finally met.

They broke apart and once again stood looking at one another.

"Um…" began Hen, then stopped.

"Er…" said Bernard, then he too stopped.

Hen dropped her papers on the table and they began to kiss again. Hen put her arms around Bernard's waist and he put his arms around her neck and they kissed passionately – a week of frustrated looks across the office turned into their passionate kisses.

Two minutes later the door to the office opened. Jim walked into the office, followed by Humphrey.

"…and as I have said before…" Jim was saying, but was cut short by what he saw in front of him.

"Oh," was all he could say.

Humphrey's eyes looked as though they were going to fall out of his head.

Hen and Bernard were to embraced in each other to notice that they had been interrupted.

"Well erm Humphrey," said Jim, tearing his eyes away from the kissing couple. "Shall we leave them to it do you think? Leave the meeting until later?"

Humphrey watched the young couple, clearly heavily involved in their own personal departmental affair. He then turned and followed Jim out of the door, before eventually finding his voice.

"Yes Minister."

* * *

For Laura - my inspiration and drinking partner. We'll have a drink in Jeykll and Hyde soon and discuss later stories!xxx

Bye for now!x

Luv Claire!x


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